i don't quite know where this post is going. i've imagined this blog being about the kids, adventures, everyday accomplishments and the like. however, lately- mostly today, i find myself struggling with some decisions that i've made. in the big picture, it's nothing... but in my day to day- they seem huge. i don't want to pretend all the time that things are fantastic and wonderful- and i'm not complaining- just thinking on the blog i guess... so, here it goes...
- to work or not work - it's the question. i love that the past 4 years i have been able to stay at home with ella and fisher. my kids mean more to me that i could even/ever imagine. i didn't want to be a "working mom" from the second that i had ella- it just wasn't in the cards for us- and chris was amazingly supportive. we've given up so much for me to stay at home with them- newish cars, trips, better clothes, shoes, new floors, huge playsets, fancy pictures, and dinners out. i've been committed to raising our kids. we both felt like without family around it would be better for "our family" for me to stay at home. but, now that they are older and wanting to do more-- should i be working?? should i work to that we would have more money in savings, a huge playset, a minivan, dinners out, new/fancy clothes, trips to relatives, better christmas gifts for family?? is daycare worth all of those things???
- my mom - we have found out that my mom has alzeheimers. i haven't blogged about it- i'm still pretty iffy about writing much. my mom has been through so much lately- and really for so long... i just don't know what all to say- i adore her, and miss her, and want her back. i'm so angry that it is happening to her- she is so young and is missing out on so much- my kids are missing out on her- i am missing out on her- my sister is missing out- and mostly- my dad. my heart breaks more for him than for anyone else. i love my dad so much- and i miss him too- i worry about what he thinks of her, what she is like with him, i wonder if he is as mad as i am about this. oh- it's too much.
- weight - oh what a weighty issue! i feel like i'm never going to be the perfect size that i want to be in my head- i have no idea how to be a skinny girl-- we are going to give the ol' p90x a go again- this time we are going to do more of the meal plan, 3 weeks of lower carb stuff- quitting the junk, etc. i will see what all this does- i guess you really have to make a "lifestyle" change- ha- with two kids running around me- cutting out the junk and my favorite-- sam's club take and bake pizzas is going to be sooooo hard for chris and i! but being healthier for my kids is more important to me now - than its ever been. i want to be here, be around, and be present in their lives. which brings me to...
- the clean house - why oh why is it so hard for me to keep a house clean!? my kids aren't sloppy- chris and i aren't sloppy, heck- our dogs aren't even sloppy-- but man- our house is! i have accepted that the main decor in our house is primary colored toys, barbies, army men, tiny shoes, panties and underwear, and dog hair- but really- every time i turn around the laundry is piled up and every room in the house is a wreck! a system is much needed! but, i swear i have ADD- especially when it comes to cleaning! i start on one thing- and in seconds i've moved to something else!
- fitting in - i love people, i am social, outgoing, and love a great party- but "fitting in" was always so important to me. i'm giving it up. going cold "fitting in" turkey. i don't care anymore- we aren't flashy, fancy, or elaborate. we are plain, dirty, and full of kids. we have "get togethers/parties" almost every weekend with neighbors and friends. our lives are full and rich in support. our children have amazing buddies-- we are so thankful for all that we have in our lives. but to fit in with everyone-- again... is going out the window. i saw on another blog that she was giving up facebook- or fasting from it- and i thought for a while- well, that is one fantastic idea! giving up what i'm doing/what you're doing/ what you think of my photos/ etc. doesn't sound that bad to me. it's all a part of fitting in.
ramble ramble- blah blah- i needed to get it out- to whomever that reads- thanks :)
4 comments:
oh sweetie, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Your family is in my prayers.
I've done both stay at home and work and I don't think either one is completely fulfilling.
Give yourself a break. The weight, the house, the fitting in I think are all cycles most women go through. I've been through several cycles. It gets easier. Once I decided to be me, I became happier. There's no one better at being you than you. Embrace it.
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and the rest of your family. If there is anything we can do, please let us know.
On the other things...I definitely could have written your post. I struggle with each one of these things daily.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. It hurts to watch someone go through that. I know, because i had to watch my grandmother. I found you through Southern Mama's and I am so glad I did. I hope we can get to know each other and keep in touch. I have been going over and over in my mind if i did the right thing by quitting my corporate job last year to stay home with my first baby. I don't regret any of the time I have with him just hope i made the right decision for our family.
COme visit me if you get a chance I am doing a giveaway this week and its jewerly!
http://kitchenbelleicisous.blogspot.com
just so you know...i have laughed and cried reading this! i am praying for you and your family and you are perfect just the way you are...the kara that i feel in love with over a box of wine...love and missing all of you!
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