wednesday

i felt strange all day knowing what i had posted about my mom. i don't know how much more i will blog about it- i have some very strong feelings and opinions about what is going on with her- and it might just get too heavy for a blog. but thank you so much for all those that responded and reached out and are now praying for my mom and my family. you have no idea how amazing that feels!

i didn't know what to think this morning when i realized that my dad and some other family members will/might be reading it- but, maybe through this we will all open up more about it. my sister and i have both been going though some of the same feelings about what is going on within our family. it is scary and weird and all a little hard to deal with.

so... to change the mood that i put myself in, i pulled my babies close to me and snuggled in the bed. we watched a movie, let them eat lunch on the countertop, didn't shower until 3 pm today, just tried to wrap my head around what i was feeling. i applied for some jobs- which, we will see what happens with that- putting that endevor in God's hands- i know that there is a plan, there is a solution, and it is out of my hands. i will do all that i am able to on the job hunt- and there will be peace within me.

we also went on our first "wednesday family date" which, i am thinking of making a bi-weekly event. we went to a local sandwich shop- i ate a salad that was fantastic- and then went bowling. it was the kids very first time and they did WONDERFUL! so much fun to see them do something new. i almost broke 100-- but didn't happen- i actually almost beat chris, but my two final gutterballs put that dream to rest.

i know that i have to take some time to find out what i want. what i need. and what my family needs. i don't want to do what everyone else is doing. i want to do what is perfect for our family. we are tied to so many people that are so much alike us- that we have built a common relationship, schedule, and community. it is wonderful and very needed. i just need to spend more time focusing on MY family before i go helping anyone elses.

i don't want to feel like i have missed out on anything- that is my biggest problem and fear. i love being involved in everything! i love to be in the "know" and not on the outs. that is what i am going to fast from. make it a goal to get out of everyone's business, and tend to my own.

so, with the struggles still looming from last night, i am calling it an early night, going to bed with a huge amount of hope and prayer. i know that the answers will come to me-- it will just not be on my time-- i'm sure of that. my time is fast and faster- now and before now. i will have to learn some patience and relax.

thank you again for the support and prayers.